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Final Artist’s Way Check-in, and (duh) Another List.

21 Apr

Wow.

I’m done with The Artist’s Way.

I’m experiencing a very curious loss of words.  What do I say?  Do I try to wrap up just Week 12, or must I say something profound about the entire experience?  Must I make a case for self help books and programs?  Just the creativity-based ones?  What am I supposed to say?

Ok.  Breathe.

I’m not required to write something earth-shattering.  All I have to do is type out my feelings and experiences.  I can do that.

I did The Artist’s Way.  Parts of it were easy, parts were hard.  Parts were enjoyable, parts were not.  Parts were helpful, parts were not.  And while there’s no denying that my life changed during The Artist’s Way, did The Artist’s Way change my life?  Because here’s the thing–The Artist’s Way is awesome.  And the reason it is awesome is that the tasks and exercises were all geared toward helping me discover things about myself, my life, my goals and my ways of thinking that I might not have put my finger on my own.  Julia asked me questions.  And it was through her questions and my answers that my path started to reveal itself to me.  Doing The Artist’s Way demanded that I take myself seriously as an artist, something that I had (subconsciously) avoided my entire adult life.  I never allowed myself to think that I could live a creative life.  The Artist’s Way taught me that I could, and now I do.  But was The Artist’s Way the catalyst for this change?  Or was I already on the path towards that change, and that’s why I sought out The Artist’s Way?

As I type this, I realize that it’s a silly line of questioning.  And also…who the fuck cares?  What matters is that in December 2012 I was one place, and now it’s April of 2013 and I’m somewhere else and I’m just really, really proud and really grateful.

So, in lieu of a check-in,  here is some stuff I’ve learned in the past four (almost five!) months.  Some of it is directly from The Artist’s Way, some is just from my own life and discoveries.  These are the things I hope to carry with me onto the next phase of my life.

  • It is really important to surround myself with the right people.  I deserve to have people in my life who believe in me and take me seriously.   I must be on the lookout for people who are trying to derail me and my efforts.  Sometimes they are sneaky.  I must also be on the lookout for people who give me good energy and inspiration.  There are a lot of them, and I’m so grateful for the people I have.
  • Leap, and the net will appear.  I quit my job, and my life didn’t fall apart.  So far, so good!
  • That thing I really want to do?  I’m probably “meant” to do it.  Whatever that means.  Having a strong desire to do something is a good enough reason to give time and attention to it.  Fuck being “good enough.”  Good enough for what?  To do something I enjoy?  No thanks, I hate waiting.
  • Anger is a sign that my boundaries are being crossed.  This blew my freaking mind when I read it.  And Julia followed it up with this gem–Anger should be acted upon, not acted out.  I must examine my anger, because it’s trying to tell me something.
  • Good criticism will excite me and give me ideas.  Bad criticism will make me feel like a failure.  I must be critical of the criticism I receive.  I must protect my artist from bad criticism.  And I’m working on developing the ability to determine when I’m actually hearing good criticism delivered badly.
  • Playing games and listening to music is a perfectly acceptable way to spend an hour, and is totally capable of making me a better artist.
  • I must acknowledge when I’ve been disappointed.  It sucks to live in that place, but it’s necessary to mourn the disappointment if I want to fully and bravely move on to what’s next.
  • I will strive to do work that “feels” right, and worry less about other people thinking I’m good.  After all, I have zero control over other people’s feelings.  I will concentrate on finding exciting moments in my own work and my own psyche.
  • I really love to sing, and the fact that I’m not the world’s best singer is not a good enough reason to not do it.
  • Anxiety isn’t going to go away.   I’ll strive to become better at accepting it, managing it, and working through it.  I accept that resistance is a part of the creative process.
  • I have something to give.

And, as always–I am enough.

Thank you, friends, for coming on this crazy  journey with me.

Fin.

Fin.

 

 

 

 

 

The Artist’s Way: Hitting PAUSE

17 Mar

Oh kids.

I am so tired.

Things are getting really, really crazy up in here.  Preparing to leave my job and change my life will do that.

"Stressed" in black and white.

“Stressed” in black and white.

AS SUCH, I have decided to hit the giant PAUSE button when it comes to my Artist’s Way journey until April.  I need these last few weeks to really focus on laying some serious groundwork for what lies ahead, and I want to give my Artist’s Way stuff real time and attention, not half-assed dead-tired super-stressed I-blog-about-it-so-I-have-to attention.  You’ll still hear from me Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but the weekends will be put on hold for the next two weeks.

A huge thank you to my friends on Facebook, the Twittersphere, WordPress, and even REAL LIFE for the love and support over the last few weeks.  Having you all in my life makes magic happen.

Back soon.

 

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The Artist’s Way: Week Nine Check-In.

10 Mar

Hello, friends!  Ugh, it feels like FOREVER since I’ve written, and I can’t believe it’s been only a week.  I’ve really, really missed it.  But here we all are–time to check in, yo!

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Regarding your U-Turns, have you allowed yourself a shift towards compassion, at least on the page?  For those not in the know, a “Creative U-Turn” is an act/behavior/attitude of creative self-sabotage.  They usually crop up in the eve of or the wake of an artistic risk, opportunity or success, sending us (as Julia puts it) “scurrying back into the cave of self defeat.”  Anyway, to answer the question, I only did my Morning Pages four days this week.  And the days I wrote them were not successful. I was angry that I had denied myself the time to blog for the week (it was the right thing to do, but it HURT!) and felt resentful at my Morning Pages for not being my blog.  So know that you were missed, my little Rosy Revolutionaries.  I was the most successful this week when my pages were stories or poems.  In terms of my Creative U-Turns of the past…I didn’t really tackle them in my Pages.  Honestly, I did a lot of work around my U-Turns in the past several weeks–only I called it self-sabotage.  I have a big history with self-sabotage, and it cropped up early on in my Artist’s Way stuff.  I like the term “Creative U-Turn.”  It fits.

Question Two:  Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Did you keep the emphasis on fun?  Actually, I’m doing my Artist Date in a couple of hours.  A friend arranged a play reading at her house–just for fun–and I’m really looking forward to it.  There’s a little voice in my head saying but Artist Dates are supposed to be just you and your artist!  No group things!  And it’s true–Julia does say in the first chapter not to invite others to your Artist Dates.  But theatre is collaborative.  Many art forms are.  And frankly, this reading just feels like it’s supposed to be my Artist Date.  So I’m doing it.  REBEL!!!

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  I’m not sure if you’d call in synchronicity.  But things have finally started to fall into place.  I’m afraid to say more than that just now as nothing is FINAL final, but the times they are a-changing.

Question Four:  Any other issues that are significant to your recovery?  I just wanna talk a little bit more about Creative U-Turns.  A few months ago, I was offered a great opportunity.  And I pulled away from it, afraid to take the steps that would lead me to actually making the changes in my life that I wanted to make.  Afraid I wouldn’t prove worthy of it, afraid of failing.  Almost immediately after, I realized what I had done.  How I’d turned my back on a great chance.  I didn’t beat myself up over it, I just called a spade a spade.  And then I looked for new opportunities.  And when one came my way, I jumped at it even though I was afraid to.  What I’m getting at is that recognizing your Creative U-Turns is important.  See it, name it for what it is, and then let it go and be prepared to change your behavior for next time.  But it is very important that you are kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself as you do so.  Beating yourself up over it will only make you more afraid to take risks.  Trust me.

That’s it for now, kids.  It feels so good to be back!

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The Artist’s Way: Week Eight Check-In

24 Feb

Today’s check-in will be short and sweet.  Sarahphina’s got lots to do this beautiful Sunday!  So let’s hop to it!

Question One:  How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you been tempted to abandon them?  How was the experience for you?  For the first time in weeks, I did my Morning Pages ALL SEVEN DAYS.  Over the past three or so weeks I’ve been very tempted to abandon my pages, but this week I had some fun with them.  I wrote weird abstract-y stories and poems and meandering trips down memory lane rather than anything that resembled a journal entry.  And that seemed to be the right choice for this week.  I’m not sure if I found any answers in them.  But it was a new way of writing them for me, and I was interested.

Question Two: What was your Artist Date this week?  Have you let workaholicism or other committments sabotage this time? What did you do and how did it feel?  Ok.  This makes me feel giggly and dorkly.  Many exercises in The Artist’s Way talk about “other lives”–professions you might take on if you had several lives to live.  One of mine that keeps cropping up is makeup artist.  Similarly, whenever the book has me list things I enjoyed as a child, playing dress-up and playing with makeup are always on the list.  But I wasn’t taking these seriously, for some reason.  So last night, I did.  I had the whole house to myself for over an hour before going out for the night.  So I put on some music and DID MY FACE UP RIGHT. It sounds like the lamest Artist Date ever, but I had so much fun.  I gave myself permission to go as over-the-top as I wanted–and also the permission to tone it down before I actually left the house–so I went nutsoid.  I looked like an 18th century fop.  I drew stars over my eyebrows with liquid eyeliner and had a bright red tiny-heart mouth.  Big eyes with tons of liner and fake lashes.  So fun.  Alas, I had already washed my face before it even occurred to me to take a picture.  Which really is too bad, because I looked fucking awesome.  In a Queen of Hearts type way.

Helena Bonham-Carter Queen of Hearts.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  You know, this week I think I stopped looking.  I’ve been quite discouraged about certain things (sorry for being vague–you know how it goes) over the past few weeks, and I think I got tired of getting discouraged about synchronicity so I stopped looking.  I’m not really sure what that means right now.   More thought is required here.

Question Four: Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery?  Describe them.  This week had a great sense of promise and opportunitity for me.  My decision last week to calm down for a few weeks and let things come to me rather than attacking them full-force seems to be a wise decision.  Also, as soon as I took the pressure of myself to be Polly Pro-Active, I started having more ideas for creativity and collaboration.  And I was able to go after them in a gentler, more positive way.  I had some possible future career opportunities appear.  I made some strides in my future as a writer.  I had a great conversation with a friend who I admire sooooo much about a possible collaboration.  Things are happening.  I just have to wait and watch….and rest.

Until next week, Artists.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Seven Check-In

17 Feb

Hello friends!  After a BITCH bout of the flu, I am finally up out of bed and in almost back to fighting shape.  Almost.  Let’s get our
Check-In on!

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you allowed yourself to daydream a few childhood risks?  Are you coddling your artist child with some childhood loves?  Oh Julia.  I get what you’re going for, but “coddling your artist child with some childhood loves” is making me laugh.  I’m imagining a child sitting on a bed painting and a crane dumping a bunch of stuffed animals on the kid.  Because that’s what I loved as a kid. Stuffed animals.  Ok.  Anyway.  My Morning Pages went to SHIT this week.  I did them only four days.  FOUR DAYS.  I know.  Fact is, I woke up sick on Tuesday and went to work late and with the break in my routine I completely forgot about them.  I did my Pages Wednesday morning, but  Wednesday evening the flu hit FOR REALZ and I was pretty much flat on my back until  Saturday morning.  I did no Morning Pages Thursday or Friday, nor did I do any of my Artist Way tasks.  Thursday I did nothing but sleep and vomit (and cry, because I’m a baby when I’m sick) and Friday was more of the same except I added “watch a few episodes of Buffy” to that list.  My Morning Pages yesterday and this morning have been scattered as I try to get back in the habit and get back on track.  But speaking of childhood risks and childhood loves, it just so happens that I am going after a few of those, although they haven’t played much of a part in my Morning Pages.  More on that in a mo.

Question Two: Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Did you use it to explore any risks?  What did you do?  How did it feel?  As you may remember from last week, I decided to keep my exploration with Abundance going and see how many Artist Dates I could do this week.  So here goes.  Monday: Singing Class (I never thought Monday would be my favorite day of the week, so there you go).  Tuesday: I wrote my essay on the Lena Dunham/Patrick Wilson GIRLS kerfuffle.  Writing that piece was THE BEST kind of writing–the kind when I have a strong point of view about something (which is always, because  I have ALL THE OPINIONS) and the words pour out in exactly the right order.   Wednesday: Took myself to a Zumba class where they allow kids, because watching kids dance for fun is the single most inspiring thing ever.  Unfortunately, it was about 2/3 through this class that I started to get sick, so the last part of the class pretty much sucked.  Still. Thursday: Even with the flu, my boyfriend and I were able to get cozy on the couch for Valentine’s Day.  We watched Jumanji.  I’m counting it.  Friday: Nada. So sue me.  Saturday:  For my “official” Artist Date, I treated myself to a Musical Theatre Audition Class.  Because, in the spirit of taking risks, I’m auditioning for musicals this year.  Class was rough as I was still hadn’t eaten and was weak and tired and didn’t have full access to my voice, but it was really important for me to go.  More on that in a bit (I’m so cryptic today). That night, I went out with some friends from singing class to see our teacher perform at a Cabaret.  I was only out for her set before running home and getting back in bed, but it was time well spent and I’m glad I made it out.  Sunday: I have tickets for a show tonight with a friend I haven’t seen in FOREVER.

It was a powerful thing to see how much time I could allow myself for Artist Dates, and what things I could transform into Artist Dates.  Inspiration is everywhere.  Open your eyes to it.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  Yes.  Getting the damn flu.  First off, lying naked on the bathroom floor puking in the middle of the night really puts stuff in perspective.  And being forced to rest for 2-3 days really cleared my head.  I’ve been really focused since I started The Artist’s Way on building a creative life for myself.  And I had some very specific goals that I’ve been working towards really hard.  Maybe a little too hard.  This week I realized that I need to cut back a little, allow myself to expend more energy on actually being creative.  My mission to build the life that I want to live is an important one.  But it might be time to go after it less aggressively for a bit.  Recharge.  Just do creative things for awhile without worrying about where they will lead.  Keeping the goal in sight, but coming at it sidewasys.  Also, I’m finding that my time off as an actor has been really worthwhile.  I feel like I’m in the strangest place of  becoming a better actor through not acting.  But I’m pretty certain that the time I’m taking to develop myself as an artist is what will set me up to do bigger and better work once I get back in the game.  So I’m preparing for the next round of auditions and seeing all the art I can see.  Developing my point of view.  Sometimes “rest” is when the magic happens.   This week being sick taught me that I need to calm down a little and let things come to me rather than going after them like a sabretooth tiger and that there is value–real value–in rest.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that came up that are significant to your recovery?  This week the theme of risks came up in a big way.  See, kids, I love to sing.  Love it.  My background is in musical theatre and I spent my childhood doing musicals.  But as a teenager I was always really frustrated with my voice.  I wanted to be a big powerhouse belter like Linda Eder, who was really big in the 90s.  I just didn’t have that kind of voice.  So I went to college and started exploring straight theatre–and fell in love with it.  But I kept up with voice lessons because I wanted to keep musicals as an option for myself, and I kept hoping that my voice would strengthen and change.  And then I took a class with a teacher who pretty much dismissed me straightaway.  In a way that was pretty dickish.  And that did it–I stopped doing musicals.  The last musical I auditioned for was 12 years ago ( I did perform in a musical about 5 years ago, but that role was offered to me without a traditional audition).  Then, during my apprenticeship with Portland Playhouse, we had a couple of singing classes.  And I received wonderful feedback from our (utterly fucking fantastic) guest teacher and my fellow apprentices.  And more than that, I discovered that I had the voice I wanted when I was sixteen.  I matured and now my voice is big and strong and powerful and it feels really fucking good to sing.  So I started taking this singing class.  And it’s done wonders for my voice and for my confidence and it’s basically the best thing I’ve done for myself in the past year.  So now it’s time to audition.  And I’ll be honest, I’m not even concerned with getting parts or being called back or any of that.  Right now, at this moment, auditioning is enough. Even when I was singing all the time, I was not a strong singer in the audition setting.  The nerves got to me every time.  But if I eventually want to do musicals, I have to get used to singing at auditions.  So here goes.

Whoa.  Being stuck in bed thinking for two days gave me a lot to say.  Weird that a week with so many sick days could be so productive.  That’s how she goes, I guess.  On to Week EIGHT.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Six Check-In

11 Feb

Sorry about the delay, friends. But this week was a biggie, and I needed extra time to organize my thoughts.  The theme of the week was “Recovering a Sense of Abundance.”  The topic?  Money.

Money.  The old bitch herself.

My fear of poverty is a huge driving force in my life.  It has its benefits–I’m really responsible!  I don’t live outside my means!–but it’s also my primary block.  And it’s more than just the fear of not being able to pay  my bills and having all my possessions repossessed and being hungry.  Not being able to support myself will mean that I have failed at being a responsible adult.  A responsible person.  A person.  I don’t want that shame.  I want to be self-sufficient, and to me that means financially self-sufficient. I obsess about money and I’m paranoid about losing it and, friends, it’s no way to live.

This week’s message was not that you should ditch all your financial responsibilities or accept poverty as part-and-parcel for being an artist.  Far from it.  The message of this week was that if you do what you’re supposed to be doing (you know, by following your heart or your bliss or whatever the fuck it is you follow) the money will come.  Keep your eyes open.  Look for abundance, look for ways to make money that you enjoy that you maybe haven’t thought of before.  Live the creative life first and let the money come.  Do not wait to be creative until you have money.  Money-or the lack of money-is never a creative block.  It’s our fears and attitudes around money that block us.

Friends, I wish I could tell you that I did a total 180 and blasted the shit out of my fear of poverty and from this moment on will step forward as a braver, more intuitive version of myself and before too long will be diving into a pile of money (Scrooge McDuck-style) that the Universe saw fit to bestow on me merely to reward me for my awesomeness.  I wish it was that easy.  But this fear is so ingrained in me that it’s going to take more than willing myself to change my attitudes about money and work and responsibility.  But this week I took the first steps.  I named my fear.  I took some tentative baby steps to act in spite of that fear.  And I think about the future day when I can look back on where I stand now and think, “that is when it all changed.”

Check-In time.

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you used them to think of creative luxuries for yourself?  How was the experience for you?  I did my Morning Pages ALL SEVEN DAYS this week.  I made some adjustments to my routine that seemed to help a lot.  First off, I stopped doing my Pages the very first thing when I woke up.  Getting up before six is hard enough, but to get out of my warm bed only to sit on the couch to write was not helpful.  So now I wake up, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth and THEN write my pages.  Then I do my makeup, gather my stuff, and leave.  It still feels “first thing”-y, but it gives me the chance to be a little more alert and focused, which makes my Morning Pages feel much more satisfying. Also, in the last chapter Julia gives  tip for making your Morning Pages work for you. Ask questions at night before bed, and then “answer them” with your Morning Pages.  I didn’t do this every day, but three nights where I was feeling anxiety over whatever, I wrote it down as a question and then let my Morning Pages answer them for me.  Awesome.

Question Two:  Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Have you considered allowing yourself two?  What did you do?  How did it feel?  Hell yes I did my Artist Date this week, because Artist Dates are my favorite.  I took myself to an impromptu movie.  Snuck sandwiches in my handbag and went to see Silver Linings Playbook.  Going to movies alone is one of my great pleasures, and something I haven’t done since I moved in with my boyfriend.  When you live with someone, you tend to do stuff together–which is awesome–but on Saturday I treated myself to a solo movie.  I don’t know how much it did for my “development” as an artist, but it was fun and relaxing and that’s good enough for me.  As to allowing myself more than one Artist Date…well, I sort of already do that.  I do many things throughout the week that function as “sort-of” Artist Dates.  I just don’t call them that because I reserve my “official” Artist Date for Saturdays.  Maybe it’s time to call a spade a spade.  This coming week, I will name every Artist Date I do and see how many I can come up with.  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  Well, this might not be synchronicity (BUT IT MIGHT BE), but I had a date with a friend that really got my head on straight.  I’ll not elaborate further, but each time I’m thisclose to reaching a breaking point and freaking out and giving in and giving up, someone says something to me that re-focuses me and keeps me going.  Sorry to be Vague-y McVaguepants here, but you know how it goes.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that arose that you consider significant to your recovery?  Describe them.  I’m gonna let Julia take this one.  Take it away, Julia!

“Most of us harbor a secret belief that work has to be work and not play, and that anything we want to do is frivolous and must be placed a distant second.  This is not true.”

Week 6

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The Artist’s Way: Week Five Check-In

4 Feb

Hello friends.  Happy Monday.

So…..the Superbowl happened.  And two teams played in it. And one of those teams won!  So….yay.  Ok. Enough small talk.

I feel a little guilty today that I have very little to report, Artist-Way wise.  For the first time since beginning the program, my work with The Artist’s Way was not the focus of my life and energy this past week.  I’m going to apologize in advance for being hella vague, but I had a lot going on this week that probably shouldn’t be shared with the whole Internet just now.  Rest assured that all is well and I have not in any way abandoned The Artist’s Way, but other issues arose that had to take priority.  But now I’m back and raring to go for Week Six.  But before I get all cray-cray and ahead of myself, let us review the week that was.  Read on, artist-soldier!

Question One:  How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Are you starting to like them–at all?  Have you discovered the page-and-a-half truth point yet?  Many of us find that pay dirt in our writing occurs after a page and a half of vamping.  I only did my Morning Pages five days this week, and my head was somewhere else for about three of those days.  There was a lot of vamping.  I feel kind of stuck right now–I am aware of the things that I want and am trying to go after them.  But right at this moment in time, I have done what I can and am waiting for the next step.  So as the desires crop up in my writing, I get really frustrated and want to say to myself, “I know and I’m working on it.”  Which has made my Morning Pages a less-than-awesome place to be.  So that was really present this week.  I was reluctant to really put my head & heart into my pages because it’s all just the same crap.  And I’m tired of being a broken record.  So I actually like them LESS than I did a few weeks ago.  THAT SAID, the days where I really can put my head & heart in my pages, I am rewarded.  Sometimes I don’t see that I have been rewarded until a few days go by, but even just unloading and repeating the same crap over and over IS bringing me to new ideas.  My Morning Pages are how I get the gunk out so that later in the day I can have actual ideas.  Maybe if my schedule was more my own and I didn’t have to do my Pages at the asscrack of dawn when I was barely awake I would have a Truth Point as I wrote.  But as it stands now, most of my Pages ARE just vamping, and then the Truth Point comes later in the day.  It’s a worthwhile process, but it’s not the experience Julia describes.  I’m choosing to be ok with that.

Question Two:  Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Have you had the experience of hearing answers during this leisure time?  What did you do for your date?  How did it feel?  Have you taken an artist date yet that really felt adventurous?  Guys, I totally didn’t do my Artist Date this week.  And yet…I don’t feel any kind of loss or missed opportunity.  The reason why I missed my Date (which is almost always on Saturdays) and the reason why this update is being posted Monday morning instead of Sunday morning is that my boyfriend and I travelled up North to meet some family I haven’t seen in over a decade.  So no, there was no actual Artist Date.  But I did reconnect with my past in a strange way that I’m not even fully processing yet.  And I did have an adventure. And I had a really fucking awesome time. So while I didn’t technically do an Artist Date, what I did do served the same purpose–and much more.  So I’m really not feeling like I missed out.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  A thousand tiny ways.  Every time I start to feel overwhelmed the resistance I’m putting in my own way and consider giving up, something happens or someone says something that reminds me to stay the course.  I haven’t experienced any major synchronicity at all.  I’m hoping to, and I’m trying to keep my eyes open.  But in the meantime, I’m trying to listen really hard to all the little ways I’m telling myself that I deserve a better, more open, and more creative life.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues this week you consider significant to your recovery?  Yes and No.  I feel like the past two weeks I have hit the sludge.  They were hard and I have been unmotivated.  I also feel–inexplicably, I have no reason to think this–that I’m coming to the end of that.  I feel refocused and re-energized…and I can’t even tell you why.

OH MY GOD IS THIS THE MOST INARTICULATE CHECK-IN YOU’VE EVER READ OR WHAT?

My thoughts are muddled and therefore my writing is also.  I have a premonition–right now, in this second–that within these next two weeks things are going to turn around.  I’m going to find a plan, find some direction.  All the little bricks that have been falling into place are going to reveal a path, Yellow-Brick-Road style.  Something’s around the corner.  I can feel it.

Until then, kids.  Thanks for reading.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Four Check-In.

27 Jan

Oh my friends.  My friends, my friends, my friends.  This past week was fucking hard.  No chitter-chatter. Time for Check-In.

Before I get to the Check-In questions, I’m going to start by talking about the Reading Deprivation and how I did and how it went.

Kids, I hated it.  I expected it to be hard the first few days and settle into it by the end of the week and find some kind of peace and freedom within it but that didn’t happen at all.  I’m utterly exhausted and I feel totally depleted.

First off, I did not take “reading deprivation” to mean “my eyes will pass over no words.”  It’s 2013 and I work an office job full-time in addition to the from-home work I do part-time..  I get all my instructions from email–something that would not have been true when Julia wrote this book in the mid-nineties.  To read no emails would be to do no job would be to get fired would be to eat no food and pay  no bills.  So.  What I took the reading deprivation to mean was no reading for pleasure, distraction, or personal knowledge/curiosity (i.e. no googling things unless it directly related to my job).  Julia did not mention TV or radio except to “keep a watchful eye” on them, which I thought very strange.  Isn’t TV just as distracting as reading?  Just as likely–if not more so–to “poison our well?”  So I expanded my reading deprivation to include no TV or youtubing, and reduced my podcasting to one hour per day.

I was successful in some ways.  I didn’t read any novels, or any of my favorite websites.  I did not surf facebook or twitter–although I did read my email notifications.  I logged on to facebook once or twice and posted a status update, but did not scroll through.

But I failed in far more ways than I succeeded.  At the end of the day when I had no energy left, I found myself curled up next to my boyfriend in front of the TV more than once.  Last night I watched the entire first season of GIRLS with a girlfriend (more on that soon!).  And then there were the accidents–I went to three plays this weekend and I was leaving the third production before I realized I had read all the programs.  Didn’t even think about it, didn’t consider it “reading.”  Strange.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe I didn’t do the exercise right because I allowed myself to read documents and emails at work.  But the Reading Deprivation was a huge fucking failure for me.  It was very helpful in opening my eyes to more possibilities for activity–instead of reading on my lunch break, I could write a song!  Or a poem!  In the evening instead of watching TV I could go downstairs into the studio and play dress-up!  Fun!  But ultimately–especially towards the end–it just felt tiring.  Yes I could still write and sing and re-arrange stuff, but when that was done I wanted to curl up with a book or watch something.  And I felt an awful sense of disconnect and isolation by being away from the news and my favorite websites.  I realized that I get SO MUCH of my inspiration and my fire to write and create from forces outside of myself.  I do not read to lose myself in other people’s stories.  I read to find myself there.  Maybe it’s wrong.  Maybe I’m bad.  Maybe I’m not a true artist.  But I will probably weep with relief when I open a book tonight.  It will feel like coming home.  I’m trying not to judge myself.  I’m definitely of the “take what you like and leave the rest” mindset when it comes to just about anything, but I do feel like I failed here.   And that sucks.

Ok.  On to the Check-Ins.

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  How was the experience for you?  I did my  morning pages six days this week.  I actually forgot about them yesterday.  Maybe my subconscious brain is throwing a tantrum or something, but I’d been up for several hours before I realized I hadn’t done them.  But apart from that, my Morning Pages got out a lot of toxicity this week.  After last week’s shitty experience with Morning Pages combined with this week’s Reading Deprivation I was able to get some shit on paper this week.  It felt good.  I mean, it felt awful–but now it feels good.  Purged.

Question Two: Did you do your Artist Date?  What did you do?  How did you feel?  For the first time, I had a hard time with my Artist Date.  I did SO MUCH that was Artist Date-esque these past few days–three plays, a photoshoot, singing class, not to mention all the writing I did–that I just couldn’t figure out what the hell I wanted to DO for my Artist Date.  I read through my list of ideas I made a few weeks ago and everything seemed too strenuous or required money (I’m SUPER broke right now) or would break my reading/TV/movie deprivation.  Saturday is usually my Artist Date day, and it came and went.  This morning, fed up, I sat down in the studio and ate a sandwich and listened to music and played a weird solo card game I made up as a kid.  It was fun and diverting but did not fill me with joy or inspiration.  This week was kind of a bust.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  Yes.  I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile at a show this weekend.  Without knowing anything about what I’ve been going through the past few weeks, she said the exact things I needed to hear.  It was like having my heart talk directly to me.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that came up this week that were significant to your recovery?  Yes.  I have started hating my body again.  Every time I look in the mirror I want to throw up.  I’m working so hard to remind myself that all bodies are ok and that there is no good reason why I have to look anything other than what I look like, but it’s really not sticking right now.  I’m doing the best I can to try and gently challenge those thoughts whenever they crop up.  I mean, I know where these thoughts are coming from.  In trying to take agency in my life in one aspect, I have some twisted need to punish myself somewhere else.  My psyche is trying to put a price on my artistic empowerment by forcing me to hate my body.  This week was particularly tough because I felt like such a failure at the Reading Deprivation–so on top of needing to punish myself for the audacity of following my own artistic fulfillment, I also had to punish myself for failing at it.  My poor body didn’t stand a chance.  It’s not been a fun week.  Yet I know–I know–that these feelings will pass.  I know where they come from.  I know they’re fleeting.  I’m allowing myself to have them but I’m not allowing myself to trust them.  Because under the body shame and the fear of failure–fuck, under the fear of SUCCESS–my inner rebel is screaming “fuck you” at everything that would dare try to bring me down.  Right now I can’t hear her.  But I know she’s in there.  She’ll get her moment.

It was a rough week, kids.  I’m feeling tender and fragile and sort of beat up.  But I’m not going to stop.  Not for anything.

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Sarahphina’s Finds (1-25-13) The Things To Do When You Can’t Read, Watch TV, or Dick Around on the Internet Edition

25 Jan

Hello Friends!  I’m mid-way through my reading deprivation and it’s a fucking nightmare!  I know I should be feeling all zen-y and whatever, but I gotta be honest.  THE INTERNET IS MY DRUG AND I’M DYING FOR A FIX!

Anyway.  Normally on Fridays I like to bring you interesting links and fun videos to while away a weekend.  But–alas!–this week I have nothing to share as I’ve been trapped in the internet-less vortex of my own brain for the past 4 days.  Speaking of which, HOW HAS IT ONLY BEEN FOUR DAYS?!

So.  From me to you, I present:

Sarahphina’s List of Shit To Do When You Can’t Read, Watch TV or Dick Around on the Internet

(Damn you, Artist’s Way!) (Just Kidding, don’t ever leave me)

  • Take lots of Vanity Pics (or as the kids call them now, “selfies”).

    Like so.

    Like so.

  • Play Talisman, your boyfriend’s favorite game from childhood.  Demand to play it over and over until you actually develop psychic powers and start floating the game pieces with your mind.
  • Go for long walks (or contemplate going for long walks but decide against it because it’s motherfucking cold outside).
  • See lots of plays (Portlanders–it’s Fertile Ground!  Get your indie theatre on!).
  • Catch up on thank-you cards.
  • Write songs.  Guys, I’ve written three songs in four days.  Granted, they’re all terrible, but FUCK YOU because they are SONGS and I WROTE them.
  • Play the Figaro tail-tapping game.  How the game is played:  1) Wait until your cat is lying down but not sleeping.  2) Do something to annoy or entice the cat so he starts tapping or swishing his tail. 3) With every tap or swish, say a syllable of his name or any other word.  It’s surprisingly entertaining. Ki….tty…ki..tty……ki………….tty.  OH MY GOD LOOK WHAT I’VE BEEN REDUCED TO.
  • Play Solitaire.  Not kidding.  It’s brain-clarifying.
  • Feel your feelings.  I know.  Gross.

Well, enough of that.  I’m going to go lay down on the ground with my eyes closed and pretend I’m reading a book.  Back on Sunday with a full update on my reading deprivation week.  Tell the Internet I say hi.  Tell Mulder and Scully that I miss them, and tell Admiral Adama and President Roslin that I’ll be back soon.  And as for Dickens, Shakespeare and Bronte….tell them that I DO love them but they just can’t fill my needs right now.

Oh my Lord.  I think I’ve actually snapped.  Peace out.

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Extra! Extra! DON’T READ ANYTHING!

21 Jan

We interrupt your regular programing for this Artist’s Way Update.  Week 4 calls for a WEEK-LONG READING DEPRIVATION!  No newspapers (what’s a newspaper?), novels, or INTERNET NEWS for the next week.  No Twitter.  I’ll keep up my Facebook in order to provide updates, but no linking to any articles.  Julia doesn’t directly address TV, but I’m choosing to extend my reading deprivation to TV, as TV is another “distraction.”  I’m not going to include podcasts in my deprivation, but I’m going to try to limit them.  THIS IS SO CRAZY.  So for one week I won’t get to read any of my favorite websites or blogs, I’ll miss all the news, no more reading novels before bed or cuddling up for a TV show with my boyfriend.

Now it’s just me and my work.  Fuck.

 

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