Tag Archives: The Artists Way

The Artist Way Check-In: Weeks 10 & 11

14 Apr

It has been two busy weeks, kids!

I can’t believe that it was only two (ish) weeks ago that I left my job and started my new life.  My days are so full that it feels like I’ve been doing this for-e-VER.  In a good way.  Getting back into The Artist’s Way has been an interesting experience.  In a way, I feel like my journey with this program has already done what it needed to do–it pushed me forward into the next step of my life.  That said, I’m still learning so many awesome lessons.  I feel less urgency with the program now than I did in earlier weeks, but that what I’m reading and preparing now is setting me up for the next round of artistic challenges and development.  Ok, time to check in!

Question One:  Morning Pages.  I did my Morning Pages about 4 days in Week 10 and six days in Week 11.  Honestly, it was hard getting back into the habit of them after letting it go for a few weeks.  The experience was….mixed.   I enjoy doing Morning Pages as a way to dust off my brain in the morning, but don’t really find answers there.  Even in Week 9 when I had to re-read my Morning Pages, that experience didn’t reveal anything to me.  My biggest revelations came while reading the book’s chapters, or while daydreaming and doing tasks.  Still,  I’m going to try to make Morning Pages a continued part of my life after The Artist Way ends.  My goal for the future is to wake up, spend 10 minutes doing yoga and 20 minutes doing Morning Pages before getting down to work for the day.  I never was able to create a really reliable Morning Pages routine, and I’m starting to feel like I didn’t give the process a fair shake.  My erratic schedule (not having a set time each day to write) plus the stopping-and-starting means that I didn’t really get to delve into the process as fully as I would have liked.  So even though next week is Week 12, I’m not ready to let go of the Pages just yet.

Question Two: Artists Date.  Still my favorite!  Last week I spent an hour doodling in a notebook.  I’m a terrible artist–the worst, really–but I happily listened to showtunes and drew flowers and stars and snails (I draw oddly compelling snails) while sipping hot lemon water.  Cozy.  I can’t share today’s artist date just now, but more info to come soon.  Oooooooooh, mysterious!

Question Three:  Synchronicity. YES!  I finally saw some serious-ass synchronicity!  I was thinking about how much I wanted to take an acting class or workshop but can’t afford it right now.  I even mentioned it to a friend.  FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER a different friend posted something on facebook that was exactly what I was looking for.  That is some fucking crazy synchronicity.

Question Four:  Anything else?  Week 10 dealt a lot with various blocks we put in place for ourselves, and I see that I have major workaholic tendancies.  Being self-employed and working from home has really shown me that,too.  With that in mind, I’ve given myself a mandatory “creative hour” every day–basically a Daily Artist Date.  I want to make sure that I still get time to write, sing, dream and play even as I hustle my balls off.  I have also realized how I use food as a potential creative block, and I have recommitted to demand feeding.  This deserves a whole post on its own, so there will be more to come on it.

And that’s it!  Tomorrow is the start of WEEK 12, THE FINAL WEEK OF THE ARTIST’S WAY!  See you next Sunday, for my final check-in!

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But seriously, WHERE IS ALL MY TIME GOING?

3 Apr

I am one week into FUNemployment.

And it’s awesome.  Truly.  I wake up excited (and well rested, getting up at 7:15!) every day and get promptly to work.  And I work all day, doing work I really like with people I really like.  I’m on the right path.  I have no doubts that leaving the corporate sphere for the freelance arts world was the way to go.  And to think that a month ago the idea that I could be doing this seemed impossible….I can’t even describe it.  Follow your dreams, kids.  There’s no cool detached hipster way to say it, so sorry if I’m lame.  But seriously–go after what you want and believe you are worthy of it.

But I’m really, really busy.  Like….really busy.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?  I don’t have a full-time job anymore!  How am I MORE busy than I was with a job?  I don’t get how it all works out space/time continuum-wise, but somehow I have less time than ever before.  I’m running hither-and-yon and doing this-and-that and then passing out exhausted.

And things are slipping through the cracks.  My things.

I thought that when I went freelance I’d have all this time for writing.  With the exception of R&R, I haven’t written at all.  I even have some opportunities ready and waiting for me to embrace that I haven’t reached out to.  And I want to.  One of the key reasons I wanted to leave the day job behind was to have more time to write.  And now I have more time, but somehow it’s less time, and I know it makes no sense but what it boils down to is that my writing isn’t getting any.  Time.  My writing isn’t getting any time.

I’m cutting myself a whole bunch of slack, though.  I’m only a week into this deal, and I still have my feelers out as to how it’s all gonna work.  Right now I’m probably over-loading on work because I haven’t found the right balance yet.  I think that if I keep reminding myself that I need to actively seek balance and maybe do a little trial-and-error that I’ll get there.  I mean…right?  Mindfulness and all?

There is always time for funny-faced selfies with Figaro. Because PRIORITIES.

There is always time for funny-faced selfies with Figaro. Because PRIORITIES.

And it’s not that I’ve taken ZERO advantage of my new flexibility.  Later this week I have a daytime lunch scheduled with a friend.  I went to Zumba yesterday (and had 11 emails when I got out, but we’ll let that go for a minute).  There was even one day when I indulged in a nap.  For a whole 35 minutes.  It. Was. Awesome.  And best of all, I’m back to The Artist’s Way.

I guess what I’m coming to is the realization of how stingy I am with time, and how even as a freelancer I prioritize my own work below everything else that I do.  I’m trying not to judge, just to acknowledge.  This is just something that is true of ME, and my employment status has nothing to do with it.  Hell, even when I was unemployed I was busy all the time.  I just need to learn how to have downtime.  And I need to learn how to do this without neglecting the (paying!) work that I feel so fortunate to have.  Balancing stuff out is no joke.

But you know what?  It’s all ok.  I don’ t have to get it right first thing out of the gate.  And while it might take a Nancy Drew, or maybe a Doc Brown, to solve the Mystery of Saraphina’s Missing Daylight Hours, I’m sure that I’ll find a way to work, be productive, make money AND dream and write and play.  And see all the friends I’ve been neglecting (I’m sorry, guys!  I miss you!).

It’s a beautiful evening.  I’m going for a walk.

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Hitting 100!

20 Mar

This. is. my. 100th. post.

GREAT.  Now I feel all kinds of pressure.  This is the Grand Centennial, and I should probably mark it by writing something that deeply reveals something  touchingly personal about who I am in the darkest depths of my soul.

But seriously.  Who wants that?

INSTEAD, my dearest friends, I’m writing a list.  100 Things I Like.  Just…stuff.  That I like.  Because it’ s my blog and I write what I want (but please don’t ever leave me).  Anyway.  In no particular order…..

  1.  You guys.
  2.  Writing Rosettes & Revolution.
  3. Writing other stuff.
  4. The Artist’s Way.
  5. Theatre.  Making it, seeing it, talking about it, thinking about it.
  6. Oreos. Sarah oreos
  7. Moulin Rouge.  Best movie.
  8. Rufus Wainwright.  Especially when he sings “Release the Stars”.
  9. Blueberry tea with honey.
  10. Yellow shoes.
  11. The St. Johns Bridge.
  12. A Very Long Engagement (book and movie).
  13. Taylor Swift’s music (don’t judge!).
  14. Cher Horowitz.

    My hero

    My hero

  15. Portland.
  16. Living in a house with a white picket fence.
  17. Poppies.poppies
  18. Slippers.
  19. Taking baths.
  20. At-home DIY spa days.
  21. Pinterest.
  22. The fucking Internet.  Especially xojane, Slate, and Cracked.
  23. Two-suit spider solitaire.
  24. My family.  Duh.
  25. Thrift & Vintage stores.
  26. Old hotels.
  27. Going for walks.
  28. Diamonds.
  29. My boyfriend.  He’s fun.Sarah Dusty Halloween
  30. Unexpected drugstore beauty finds (if you’re not wearing Maybelline Stiletto liquid eyeliner, I’ve failed you).
  31. MAC (if you’re not wearing MAC lipstick, I’ve failed you)
  32. Curly red hair.
  33. Spike’s “you’re the one” speech from Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and the tribute videos it inspires).
  34. Taking a stand against rape culture.
  35. Taking chances.
  36. Making lists and crossing stuff off of them.
  37. Thomas Hardy, even if his books are total  downers.
  38. My beautiful, talented, inspiring friends.
  39. Seeing live music.  Anyone, anywhere.
  40. FIGARO!

    Sometimes he hangs out in my underwear drawer.

    Sometimes he hangs out in my underwear drawer.

  41. Having surround sound (thanks, Dusty)!
  42. NPR podcasts.
  43. DIY glitter manis.
  44. Nada Surf (SO MUCH more than “Popular,” you guys).
  45. Pesto linguine with artichoke hearts and chicken.
  46. Shakespeare.
  47. The Oregon coast.
  48. Bottlecaps.  Best candy.  Especially the purple ones.
  49. The Sandman Series.
  50. Prague. prague
  51. Possibility.
  52. Popping zits and extracting blackheads.  I’m gross.  So sue me.
  53. Voting.
  54. Singing around a bonfire, kumbaya-style.
  55. The Addams Family. Addamsn
  56. Eating with my fingers.
  57. Jane Eyre.
  58. Cupcakes.
  59. Summer!
  60. Coconut Oil.
  61. Iced lattes.
  62. Cat Marnell.  I don’t care if she’s nuts, her Amy Winehouse piece is outstanding.
  63. Foxes.baby foxes
  64. Steven Sondheim.
  65. Hats.
  66. Eating with my fingers.
  67. Goldfish.
  68. Having really beautiful one-of-a-kind stationary.
  69. My Clarisonic!
  70. Mentors, teachers and role models.
  71. Being someone’s mentor, teacher and role model.
  72. Kitty purrs.
  73. Sunday brunch with friends.
  74. Sunday brunch alone.
  75. The Salty Teacup (the best boutique in Portland–you’re welcome).
  76. Pandora.
  77. The Blue Plate Diner (the best part about working downtown)
  78. Italian sodas with cream and lots of whipped cream.
  79. Cheap chunky jewelry.
  80. Kisses.
  81. Going to the  aquarium!
  82. Getting pierced or tattooed (sorry Mom)!
  83. Slings & Arrows.
  84. Iced tea with chunks of peaches and oranges.
  85. Audra MacDonald.
  86. Talking feminism, intersectionality, socialism and politics.
  87. Lena Dunham.
  88. Getting dressed in the morning.
  89. Having Anne Hathaway for a best friend I haven’t met yet.
  90. Watching Kate Winslet movies.

    Girl.

    Girl.

  91. Soft pretzels with honey mustard.
  92. Being around artists.
  93. Being an artist.
  94. Putting on makeup.
  95. False eyelashes.
  96. Dancing.
  97. Being 30.
  98. Days spent in pajamas.
  99. The pieces of popcorn that didn’t pop all the way and are a leeeeetle crunchy.
  100. Waking up with a sense of possibility.say yes

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The Artist’s Way: Hitting PAUSE

17 Mar

Oh kids.

I am so tired.

Things are getting really, really crazy up in here.  Preparing to leave my job and change my life will do that.

"Stressed" in black and white.

“Stressed” in black and white.

AS SUCH, I have decided to hit the giant PAUSE button when it comes to my Artist’s Way journey until April.  I need these last few weeks to really focus on laying some serious groundwork for what lies ahead, and I want to give my Artist’s Way stuff real time and attention, not half-assed dead-tired super-stressed I-blog-about-it-so-I-have-to attention.  You’ll still hear from me Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, but the weekends will be put on hold for the next two weeks.

A huge thank you to my friends on Facebook, the Twittersphere, WordPress, and even REAL LIFE for the love and support over the last few weeks.  Having you all in my life makes magic happen.

Back soon.

 

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I Did It. I’m Doing It.

13 Mar

I quit my job.

Even writing those words out, a shot of panicked adrenaline  just whoooooshed through my veins.  Kind of a rush, actually.  I wonder if this is what shooting heroin feels like.  Probably not.

Anyway.

I have come to the decision that the full-time corporate sphere is not where I should be right now.  I’m going to make a go of cobbling an income together in a mishmash of freelance, part-time work.  In doing so, I hope to gain time, creativity, inspiration and flexibility while flexing and growing my skills and talents in fields that are exciting to me.  I am giving up job security, benefits, paid time off, a guaranteed paycheck, and a lifestyle to which I had become accustomed (comfortably poor).

OH MY GOD AM I INSANE?

Ok.

Inhale.  Exhale.  Good.

See, here’s the deelio.  I was unemployed for six months after finishing school in 2009.  Every day was a flurry of emails and phone calls as I tried to nail down something–anything–that I could do that people would pay me money for.  I lived in constant panic for those six months, waking up several times every night sobbing as I wondered why it was that I was incapable of supporting myself when I believed I was intelligent and capable.  It was the kindness of friends and family that got me through the hard times.  I wound up in a job I was hugely overqualified for making barely above minimum wage.  I was able to survive on it, but only just.  So getting the job I have now (for two more weeks) felt like a godsend.  A living wage.  Paid time off.  BENEFITS.  And a quiet office where I was able to work with support but without over-supervision, and colleagues who were interested in my creative double-life and supportive of it.

I should have been set.  I mean, the plan ever since moving to Portland was to get a day job that I enjoyed and then do theatre in the evenings.  I would be able to do theatre work that I enjoyed without the pressure of NEEDING it to make money for me.  So things had fallen into place!  I had a good job, and I was doing the kind of theatre work that I wanted!  Yay plans!

But plans change.

And mine started to change.

I started to see holes in my plan.  I found, as time went on, that I had other creative interests beside theatre, and I wanted to have time for them. I discovered that I wanted to write. I learned that I loved teaching and wanted to work with theatre kids.  It became important to me to have time with my amazing man-friend, and time to just sit in the sun and ponder the universe.

I wanted to be an artist all (or most of) the time, not only on evenings and weekends.

But I have not forgotten what it was like to be unemployed.

Feed me

There is nothing in the entire world that frightens me more than being unable to support myself.  I fear poverty with every fiber of my being, and that fear has been my motivating force my whole life.  I can’t be an artist–how will I ever support myself?  I am so, so scared that I won’t be able to pay my bills, or take care of myself, or any of those things that adults are supposed to do.

I also know that I have only one life and I want it lived in a way that has meaning for me.

The stars started to align.  Opportunities came my way–things that I can’t do with a full-time job.  It was either turn down those opportunities, or leave the job.  For a year, almost, I turned down the opportunities.  But with my experience at Portland Playhouse and with The Artist’s Way buzzing in my ears, I saw that I had to take a risk.  I had to pursue those opportunities, even though it meant losing my stability.  I heard Julia’s voice in my ear (odd really, since I’ve never heard her speak) saying leap and the net will appear. (John Burroughs).

Don't mind me. Just hiding from the real world.

Don’t mind me. Just hiding from the real world.

And I as I risk my very livelihood in pursuit of forging the life I want to live, I try to remind myself that I have already succeeded.  Like with my audition–the risk is enough.  The victory is in the attempt.  If after a year I find myself searching for another full-time job, that’s ok.  It won’t mean that I’ve failed.  It will just be what is best for me at that time, just like how leaving is what is best for me at this time.  It’s not about success or failure anymore.  It’s about trusting myself to make the choices that are best for me.

So here goes.

One.

Two.

Leap.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Nine Check-In.

10 Mar

Hello, friends!  Ugh, it feels like FOREVER since I’ve written, and I can’t believe it’s been only a week.  I’ve really, really missed it.  But here we all are–time to check in, yo!

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Regarding your U-Turns, have you allowed yourself a shift towards compassion, at least on the page?  For those not in the know, a “Creative U-Turn” is an act/behavior/attitude of creative self-sabotage.  They usually crop up in the eve of or the wake of an artistic risk, opportunity or success, sending us (as Julia puts it) “scurrying back into the cave of self defeat.”  Anyway, to answer the question, I only did my Morning Pages four days this week.  And the days I wrote them were not successful. I was angry that I had denied myself the time to blog for the week (it was the right thing to do, but it HURT!) and felt resentful at my Morning Pages for not being my blog.  So know that you were missed, my little Rosy Revolutionaries.  I was the most successful this week when my pages were stories or poems.  In terms of my Creative U-Turns of the past…I didn’t really tackle them in my Pages.  Honestly, I did a lot of work around my U-Turns in the past several weeks–only I called it self-sabotage.  I have a big history with self-sabotage, and it cropped up early on in my Artist’s Way stuff.  I like the term “Creative U-Turn.”  It fits.

Question Two:  Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Did you keep the emphasis on fun?  Actually, I’m doing my Artist Date in a couple of hours.  A friend arranged a play reading at her house–just for fun–and I’m really looking forward to it.  There’s a little voice in my head saying but Artist Dates are supposed to be just you and your artist!  No group things!  And it’s true–Julia does say in the first chapter not to invite others to your Artist Dates.  But theatre is collaborative.  Many art forms are.  And frankly, this reading just feels like it’s supposed to be my Artist Date.  So I’m doing it.  REBEL!!!

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  I’m not sure if you’d call in synchronicity.  But things have finally started to fall into place.  I’m afraid to say more than that just now as nothing is FINAL final, but the times they are a-changing.

Question Four:  Any other issues that are significant to your recovery?  I just wanna talk a little bit more about Creative U-Turns.  A few months ago, I was offered a great opportunity.  And I pulled away from it, afraid to take the steps that would lead me to actually making the changes in my life that I wanted to make.  Afraid I wouldn’t prove worthy of it, afraid of failing.  Almost immediately after, I realized what I had done.  How I’d turned my back on a great chance.  I didn’t beat myself up over it, I just called a spade a spade.  And then I looked for new opportunities.  And when one came my way, I jumped at it even though I was afraid to.  What I’m getting at is that recognizing your Creative U-Turns is important.  See it, name it for what it is, and then let it go and be prepared to change your behavior for next time.  But it is very important that you are kind and gentle and compassionate with yourself as you do so.  Beating yourself up over it will only make you more afraid to take risks.  Trust me.

That’s it for now, kids.  It feels so good to be back!

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The Artist’s Way: Week Eight Check-In

24 Feb

Today’s check-in will be short and sweet.  Sarahphina’s got lots to do this beautiful Sunday!  So let’s hop to it!

Question One:  How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you been tempted to abandon them?  How was the experience for you?  For the first time in weeks, I did my Morning Pages ALL SEVEN DAYS.  Over the past three or so weeks I’ve been very tempted to abandon my pages, but this week I had some fun with them.  I wrote weird abstract-y stories and poems and meandering trips down memory lane rather than anything that resembled a journal entry.  And that seemed to be the right choice for this week.  I’m not sure if I found any answers in them.  But it was a new way of writing them for me, and I was interested.

Question Two: What was your Artist Date this week?  Have you let workaholicism or other committments sabotage this time? What did you do and how did it feel?  Ok.  This makes me feel giggly and dorkly.  Many exercises in The Artist’s Way talk about “other lives”–professions you might take on if you had several lives to live.  One of mine that keeps cropping up is makeup artist.  Similarly, whenever the book has me list things I enjoyed as a child, playing dress-up and playing with makeup are always on the list.  But I wasn’t taking these seriously, for some reason.  So last night, I did.  I had the whole house to myself for over an hour before going out for the night.  So I put on some music and DID MY FACE UP RIGHT. It sounds like the lamest Artist Date ever, but I had so much fun.  I gave myself permission to go as over-the-top as I wanted–and also the permission to tone it down before I actually left the house–so I went nutsoid.  I looked like an 18th century fop.  I drew stars over my eyebrows with liquid eyeliner and had a bright red tiny-heart mouth.  Big eyes with tons of liner and fake lashes.  So fun.  Alas, I had already washed my face before it even occurred to me to take a picture.  Which really is too bad, because I looked fucking awesome.  In a Queen of Hearts type way.

Helena Bonham-Carter Queen of Hearts.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  You know, this week I think I stopped looking.  I’ve been quite discouraged about certain things (sorry for being vague–you know how it goes) over the past few weeks, and I think I got tired of getting discouraged about synchronicity so I stopped looking.  I’m not really sure what that means right now.   More thought is required here.

Question Four: Were there any other issues this week that you consider significant for your recovery?  Describe them.  This week had a great sense of promise and opportunitity for me.  My decision last week to calm down for a few weeks and let things come to me rather than attacking them full-force seems to be a wise decision.  Also, as soon as I took the pressure of myself to be Polly Pro-Active, I started having more ideas for creativity and collaboration.  And I was able to go after them in a gentler, more positive way.  I had some possible future career opportunities appear.  I made some strides in my future as a writer.  I had a great conversation with a friend who I admire sooooo much about a possible collaboration.  Things are happening.  I just have to wait and watch….and rest.

Until next week, Artists.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Seven Check-In

17 Feb

Hello friends!  After a BITCH bout of the flu, I am finally up out of bed and in almost back to fighting shape.  Almost.  Let’s get our
Check-In on!

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you allowed yourself to daydream a few childhood risks?  Are you coddling your artist child with some childhood loves?  Oh Julia.  I get what you’re going for, but “coddling your artist child with some childhood loves” is making me laugh.  I’m imagining a child sitting on a bed painting and a crane dumping a bunch of stuffed animals on the kid.  Because that’s what I loved as a kid. Stuffed animals.  Ok.  Anyway.  My Morning Pages went to SHIT this week.  I did them only four days.  FOUR DAYS.  I know.  Fact is, I woke up sick on Tuesday and went to work late and with the break in my routine I completely forgot about them.  I did my Pages Wednesday morning, but  Wednesday evening the flu hit FOR REALZ and I was pretty much flat on my back until  Saturday morning.  I did no Morning Pages Thursday or Friday, nor did I do any of my Artist Way tasks.  Thursday I did nothing but sleep and vomit (and cry, because I’m a baby when I’m sick) and Friday was more of the same except I added “watch a few episodes of Buffy” to that list.  My Morning Pages yesterday and this morning have been scattered as I try to get back in the habit and get back on track.  But speaking of childhood risks and childhood loves, it just so happens that I am going after a few of those, although they haven’t played much of a part in my Morning Pages.  More on that in a mo.

Question Two: Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Did you use it to explore any risks?  What did you do?  How did it feel?  As you may remember from last week, I decided to keep my exploration with Abundance going and see how many Artist Dates I could do this week.  So here goes.  Monday: Singing Class (I never thought Monday would be my favorite day of the week, so there you go).  Tuesday: I wrote my essay on the Lena Dunham/Patrick Wilson GIRLS kerfuffle.  Writing that piece was THE BEST kind of writing–the kind when I have a strong point of view about something (which is always, because  I have ALL THE OPINIONS) and the words pour out in exactly the right order.   Wednesday: Took myself to a Zumba class where they allow kids, because watching kids dance for fun is the single most inspiring thing ever.  Unfortunately, it was about 2/3 through this class that I started to get sick, so the last part of the class pretty much sucked.  Still. Thursday: Even with the flu, my boyfriend and I were able to get cozy on the couch for Valentine’s Day.  We watched Jumanji.  I’m counting it.  Friday: Nada. So sue me.  Saturday:  For my “official” Artist Date, I treated myself to a Musical Theatre Audition Class.  Because, in the spirit of taking risks, I’m auditioning for musicals this year.  Class was rough as I was still hadn’t eaten and was weak and tired and didn’t have full access to my voice, but it was really important for me to go.  More on that in a bit (I’m so cryptic today). That night, I went out with some friends from singing class to see our teacher perform at a Cabaret.  I was only out for her set before running home and getting back in bed, but it was time well spent and I’m glad I made it out.  Sunday: I have tickets for a show tonight with a friend I haven’t seen in FOREVER.

It was a powerful thing to see how much time I could allow myself for Artist Dates, and what things I could transform into Artist Dates.  Inspiration is everywhere.  Open your eyes to it.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  Yes.  Getting the damn flu.  First off, lying naked on the bathroom floor puking in the middle of the night really puts stuff in perspective.  And being forced to rest for 2-3 days really cleared my head.  I’ve been really focused since I started The Artist’s Way on building a creative life for myself.  And I had some very specific goals that I’ve been working towards really hard.  Maybe a little too hard.  This week I realized that I need to cut back a little, allow myself to expend more energy on actually being creative.  My mission to build the life that I want to live is an important one.  But it might be time to go after it less aggressively for a bit.  Recharge.  Just do creative things for awhile without worrying about where they will lead.  Keeping the goal in sight, but coming at it sidewasys.  Also, I’m finding that my time off as an actor has been really worthwhile.  I feel like I’m in the strangest place of  becoming a better actor through not acting.  But I’m pretty certain that the time I’m taking to develop myself as an artist is what will set me up to do bigger and better work once I get back in the game.  So I’m preparing for the next round of auditions and seeing all the art I can see.  Developing my point of view.  Sometimes “rest” is when the magic happens.   This week being sick taught me that I need to calm down a little and let things come to me rather than going after them like a sabretooth tiger and that there is value–real value–in rest.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that came up that are significant to your recovery?  This week the theme of risks came up in a big way.  See, kids, I love to sing.  Love it.  My background is in musical theatre and I spent my childhood doing musicals.  But as a teenager I was always really frustrated with my voice.  I wanted to be a big powerhouse belter like Linda Eder, who was really big in the 90s.  I just didn’t have that kind of voice.  So I went to college and started exploring straight theatre–and fell in love with it.  But I kept up with voice lessons because I wanted to keep musicals as an option for myself, and I kept hoping that my voice would strengthen and change.  And then I took a class with a teacher who pretty much dismissed me straightaway.  In a way that was pretty dickish.  And that did it–I stopped doing musicals.  The last musical I auditioned for was 12 years ago ( I did perform in a musical about 5 years ago, but that role was offered to me without a traditional audition).  Then, during my apprenticeship with Portland Playhouse, we had a couple of singing classes.  And I received wonderful feedback from our (utterly fucking fantastic) guest teacher and my fellow apprentices.  And more than that, I discovered that I had the voice I wanted when I was sixteen.  I matured and now my voice is big and strong and powerful and it feels really fucking good to sing.  So I started taking this singing class.  And it’s done wonders for my voice and for my confidence and it’s basically the best thing I’ve done for myself in the past year.  So now it’s time to audition.  And I’ll be honest, I’m not even concerned with getting parts or being called back or any of that.  Right now, at this moment, auditioning is enough. Even when I was singing all the time, I was not a strong singer in the audition setting.  The nerves got to me every time.  But if I eventually want to do musicals, I have to get used to singing at auditions.  So here goes.

Whoa.  Being stuck in bed thinking for two days gave me a lot to say.  Weird that a week with so many sick days could be so productive.  That’s how she goes, I guess.  On to Week EIGHT.

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The Artist’s Way: Week Six Check-In

11 Feb

Sorry about the delay, friends. But this week was a biggie, and I needed extra time to organize my thoughts.  The theme of the week was “Recovering a Sense of Abundance.”  The topic?  Money.

Money.  The old bitch herself.

My fear of poverty is a huge driving force in my life.  It has its benefits–I’m really responsible!  I don’t live outside my means!–but it’s also my primary block.  And it’s more than just the fear of not being able to pay  my bills and having all my possessions repossessed and being hungry.  Not being able to support myself will mean that I have failed at being a responsible adult.  A responsible person.  A person.  I don’t want that shame.  I want to be self-sufficient, and to me that means financially self-sufficient. I obsess about money and I’m paranoid about losing it and, friends, it’s no way to live.

This week’s message was not that you should ditch all your financial responsibilities or accept poverty as part-and-parcel for being an artist.  Far from it.  The message of this week was that if you do what you’re supposed to be doing (you know, by following your heart or your bliss or whatever the fuck it is you follow) the money will come.  Keep your eyes open.  Look for abundance, look for ways to make money that you enjoy that you maybe haven’t thought of before.  Live the creative life first and let the money come.  Do not wait to be creative until you have money.  Money-or the lack of money-is never a creative block.  It’s our fears and attitudes around money that block us.

Friends, I wish I could tell you that I did a total 180 and blasted the shit out of my fear of poverty and from this moment on will step forward as a braver, more intuitive version of myself and before too long will be diving into a pile of money (Scrooge McDuck-style) that the Universe saw fit to bestow on me merely to reward me for my awesomeness.  I wish it was that easy.  But this fear is so ingrained in me that it’s going to take more than willing myself to change my attitudes about money and work and responsibility.  But this week I took the first steps.  I named my fear.  I took some tentative baby steps to act in spite of that fear.  And I think about the future day when I can look back on where I stand now and think, “that is when it all changed.”

Check-In time.

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  Have you used them to think of creative luxuries for yourself?  How was the experience for you?  I did my Morning Pages ALL SEVEN DAYS this week.  I made some adjustments to my routine that seemed to help a lot.  First off, I stopped doing my Pages the very first thing when I woke up.  Getting up before six is hard enough, but to get out of my warm bed only to sit on the couch to write was not helpful.  So now I wake up, shower, get dressed, brush my teeth and THEN write my pages.  Then I do my makeup, gather my stuff, and leave.  It still feels “first thing”-y, but it gives me the chance to be a little more alert and focused, which makes my Morning Pages feel much more satisfying. Also, in the last chapter Julia gives  tip for making your Morning Pages work for you. Ask questions at night before bed, and then “answer them” with your Morning Pages.  I didn’t do this every day, but three nights where I was feeling anxiety over whatever, I wrote it down as a question and then let my Morning Pages answer them for me.  Awesome.

Question Two:  Did you do your Artist Date this week?  Have you considered allowing yourself two?  What did you do?  How did it feel?  Hell yes I did my Artist Date this week, because Artist Dates are my favorite.  I took myself to an impromptu movie.  Snuck sandwiches in my handbag and went to see Silver Linings Playbook.  Going to movies alone is one of my great pleasures, and something I haven’t done since I moved in with my boyfriend.  When you live with someone, you tend to do stuff together–which is awesome–but on Saturday I treated myself to a solo movie.  I don’t know how much it did for my “development” as an artist, but it was fun and relaxing and that’s good enough for me.  As to allowing myself more than one Artist Date…well, I sort of already do that.  I do many things throughout the week that function as “sort-of” Artist Dates.  I just don’t call them that because I reserve my “official” Artist Date for Saturdays.  Maybe it’s time to call a spade a spade.  This coming week, I will name every Artist Date I do and see how many I can come up with.  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  What was it?  Well, this might not be synchronicity (BUT IT MIGHT BE), but I had a date with a friend that really got my head on straight.  I’ll not elaborate further, but each time I’m thisclose to reaching a breaking point and freaking out and giving in and giving up, someone says something to me that re-focuses me and keeps me going.  Sorry to be Vague-y McVaguepants here, but you know how it goes.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that arose that you consider significant to your recovery?  Describe them.  I’m gonna let Julia take this one.  Take it away, Julia!

“Most of us harbor a secret belief that work has to be work and not play, and that anything we want to do is frivolous and must be placed a distant second.  This is not true.”

Week 6

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The Artist’s Way: Week Four Check-In.

27 Jan

Oh my friends.  My friends, my friends, my friends.  This past week was fucking hard.  No chitter-chatter. Time for Check-In.

Before I get to the Check-In questions, I’m going to start by talking about the Reading Deprivation and how I did and how it went.

Kids, I hated it.  I expected it to be hard the first few days and settle into it by the end of the week and find some kind of peace and freedom within it but that didn’t happen at all.  I’m utterly exhausted and I feel totally depleted.

First off, I did not take “reading deprivation” to mean “my eyes will pass over no words.”  It’s 2013 and I work an office job full-time in addition to the from-home work I do part-time..  I get all my instructions from email–something that would not have been true when Julia wrote this book in the mid-nineties.  To read no emails would be to do no job would be to get fired would be to eat no food and pay  no bills.  So.  What I took the reading deprivation to mean was no reading for pleasure, distraction, or personal knowledge/curiosity (i.e. no googling things unless it directly related to my job).  Julia did not mention TV or radio except to “keep a watchful eye” on them, which I thought very strange.  Isn’t TV just as distracting as reading?  Just as likely–if not more so–to “poison our well?”  So I expanded my reading deprivation to include no TV or youtubing, and reduced my podcasting to one hour per day.

I was successful in some ways.  I didn’t read any novels, or any of my favorite websites.  I did not surf facebook or twitter–although I did read my email notifications.  I logged on to facebook once or twice and posted a status update, but did not scroll through.

But I failed in far more ways than I succeeded.  At the end of the day when I had no energy left, I found myself curled up next to my boyfriend in front of the TV more than once.  Last night I watched the entire first season of GIRLS with a girlfriend (more on that soon!).  And then there were the accidents–I went to three plays this weekend and I was leaving the third production before I realized I had read all the programs.  Didn’t even think about it, didn’t consider it “reading.”  Strange.

Maybe there’s something wrong with me.  Maybe I didn’t do the exercise right because I allowed myself to read documents and emails at work.  But the Reading Deprivation was a huge fucking failure for me.  It was very helpful in opening my eyes to more possibilities for activity–instead of reading on my lunch break, I could write a song!  Or a poem!  In the evening instead of watching TV I could go downstairs into the studio and play dress-up!  Fun!  But ultimately–especially towards the end–it just felt tiring.  Yes I could still write and sing and re-arrange stuff, but when that was done I wanted to curl up with a book or watch something.  And I felt an awful sense of disconnect and isolation by being away from the news and my favorite websites.  I realized that I get SO MUCH of my inspiration and my fire to write and create from forces outside of myself.  I do not read to lose myself in other people’s stories.  I read to find myself there.  Maybe it’s wrong.  Maybe I’m bad.  Maybe I’m not a true artist.  But I will probably weep with relief when I open a book tonight.  It will feel like coming home.  I’m trying not to judge myself.  I’m definitely of the “take what you like and leave the rest” mindset when it comes to just about anything, but I do feel like I failed here.   And that sucks.

Ok.  On to the Check-Ins.

Question One: How many days this week did you do your Morning Pages?  How was the experience for you?  I did my  morning pages six days this week.  I actually forgot about them yesterday.  Maybe my subconscious brain is throwing a tantrum or something, but I’d been up for several hours before I realized I hadn’t done them.  But apart from that, my Morning Pages got out a lot of toxicity this week.  After last week’s shitty experience with Morning Pages combined with this week’s Reading Deprivation I was able to get some shit on paper this week.  It felt good.  I mean, it felt awful–but now it feels good.  Purged.

Question Two: Did you do your Artist Date?  What did you do?  How did you feel?  For the first time, I had a hard time with my Artist Date.  I did SO MUCH that was Artist Date-esque these past few days–three plays, a photoshoot, singing class, not to mention all the writing I did–that I just couldn’t figure out what the hell I wanted to DO for my Artist Date.  I read through my list of ideas I made a few weeks ago and everything seemed too strenuous or required money (I’m SUPER broke right now) or would break my reading/TV/movie deprivation.  Saturday is usually my Artist Date day, and it came and went.  This morning, fed up, I sat down in the studio and ate a sandwich and listened to music and played a weird solo card game I made up as a kid.  It was fun and diverting but did not fill me with joy or inspiration.  This week was kind of a bust.

Question Three:  Did you experience any synchronicity this week?  Yes.  I ran into a friend I haven’t seen in awhile at a show this weekend.  Without knowing anything about what I’ve been going through the past few weeks, she said the exact things I needed to hear.  It was like having my heart talk directly to me.

Question Four:  Were there any other issues that came up this week that were significant to your recovery?  Yes.  I have started hating my body again.  Every time I look in the mirror I want to throw up.  I’m working so hard to remind myself that all bodies are ok and that there is no good reason why I have to look anything other than what I look like, but it’s really not sticking right now.  I’m doing the best I can to try and gently challenge those thoughts whenever they crop up.  I mean, I know where these thoughts are coming from.  In trying to take agency in my life in one aspect, I have some twisted need to punish myself somewhere else.  My psyche is trying to put a price on my artistic empowerment by forcing me to hate my body.  This week was particularly tough because I felt like such a failure at the Reading Deprivation–so on top of needing to punish myself for the audacity of following my own artistic fulfillment, I also had to punish myself for failing at it.  My poor body didn’t stand a chance.  It’s not been a fun week.  Yet I know–I know–that these feelings will pass.  I know where they come from.  I know they’re fleeting.  I’m allowing myself to have them but I’m not allowing myself to trust them.  Because under the body shame and the fear of failure–fuck, under the fear of SUCCESS–my inner rebel is screaming “fuck you” at everything that would dare try to bring me down.  Right now I can’t hear her.  But I know she’s in there.  She’ll get her moment.

It was a rough week, kids.  I’m feeling tender and fragile and sort of beat up.  But I’m not going to stop.  Not for anything.

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